Softening

“I told you if you ever look at me like that again, it’s over.” was the trigger blade that sliced open my abandonment wound in an instant and had me on my knees minutes later pleading with him.

Everything in slow motion and at the speed of light: auto pilot.

Opened wide and bleeding to death in seconds after years of careful light filling, reprogramming and solid aloneness - all a moot point in an instant.

Oil and water.

The look never went away; this is the funny (not really) thing about seeing what we are looking for. And despite the gut-wrenching truth nagging at me, begging me, when I came to my knees…to abort…I stayed for many more months after this shaky and certain to fail start.

Truth is there, always there.

I know the exact moments in my life when I have arrived collapsed at the intersection of truth and action, the paralysis is messy, confronting and filled with a potent frequency of shame…this shame’s potency growing with each year, each step on my path, each “you know better…” that I have been unable to take action toward and honor.

It has been my life’s work to align my actions with my inner truth in these moments…for 50 years.

“You are more beautiful when you aren’t thinking too much…” two years later.

A softness in contrast, I was wearing from head to toe, which my lover attuned to with his harmonic response: a dose of healthy masculine leadership that I felt for the very first time in my (love) life.

Not a second of question or programmed action: a full receiving straight into my heart, a deep trust and then full body surrender.

No more thinking.

Only being.

Water.

A dance, cherishing…

And I was only able to stop thinking when I felt the thinking was being done for me, outside of me…and trust it. But the thing is: “as within, so without,” so this mirror is affirmation of a new place, a destination I’ve been heading in the direction of my entire life.

You are safe.

You are safe.

You are safe.

Safe with a love that sees softness, wants softness…for me, not for him…but for him, for us…because this is union.

So I practice, with all of my heart, softening…and when I think I can’t possibly get any more soft…I soften some more.