Energy

The "I've never seen you like this," and the saved petite cadeau string tucked carefully in his phone case, gift me the perfect, delicious contrast in this messy moment of exploring the nuanced energies I'm dancing with - as I invite myself to master them.

"I saw you yesterday with your lover," she said. It caught me off-guard because it's been two years since any lover has existed - but she was right.

Energy is energy is energy.

It shouldn't be as delicate as it is as we find our way with each other, but two wires spark at the slightest touch or not in the purest sense too.

I sat before him the newest me with many, many days of pouring over the details of our story and taking them to heart, as I always do.

And he felt the same.

Gazing into new eyes days later I see the freshness of the new page, and I feel this new chapter in my entire body as I open fully to it.

A well of reckless desire that takes hold, and I let it. 

Hello old friend.

I have a craving to be out-of-control in a surrendered and trusting way, handing any control over to my body - listening, feeling, breathing...being.

The great softening is working.

The missteps are coming, I'm learning deeper respect, permission and what the battle between ego and heart really looks like.

And even though I can practice the high practices, and rewrite the narrative, and have the deep yearning, the samskara is still there, the lived days are still there, the story that lives in my body - is still there.

And sometimes it doesn't afford me the luxury of a sacred pause, or careful steps, or a softer leading energy...

And this is when more love rushes in, sourced from the temple altar within that I have been sitting at and lighting candles on for months and months and months.