A Season of Clarity

Photo: Ashley Drody

I heard Alexandra Roxo tell Maddy Moon in a podcast today that she studied moon rituals for 15 years before Spirit told her it was time to share them. And her caution to all teachers guiding anyone on their path to know their wounds and do their work first caused me pause, too.

Technically I was practicing the Wim Hof technique in cold baths at the age of 9, I knew what Spirit was shortly after when I could connect easily and feel my way with deep knowing out of the abusive environment I was in. This is when I tell people that my yoga really began.

It is certainly where I now know all of my root chakra wounding grabbed hold, and where deep patterns with my father's name on them would develop.

I'm an old soul and I didn't know that was what it was called until a handful of years ago. Since learning, I've found great peace in knowing that the backdrop and illusions of this human existence are my soul/spirit's plan. And it feels deeply limiting at times.

This knowledge has come in dosed downloads, sometimes sitting by a creek in the middle of a vortex in Sedona when I dip my toes into the icy water and my body instantly remembers days past of torture, and sometimes in the middle of three years of celibacy.

I feel very ready and called by the inspiration Patañjali speaks of to lead women on a journey into themselves, it feels dharmic and right. It's the work currently keeping me here, alive.

My journey has prepared me well, and the six years of self-imposed healing has informed the most important work and legacy I will leave behind.

But I'm still falling short with love.

Not just intimate love, although this seems to be my biggest work in this life, but also family love.

The current mirror suggests more work around honesty, personal integrity, feminine power, anger, authenticity, selflessness, receiving, deserving...this year has been the beginning of a new season for me.

A season of clarity.

Clarity that makes courage obsolete, especially if the clarity is around a lesson I've been learning for 48 years. 

I don't know how to handle an avoidant gracefully, and I believe this year has taught me that that's okay. I'm celebrating a huge victory overcoming a past, deep pattern of anxious attachment which seems to be a distant and fading part of me as this new clarity surfaces. The practice is still there, but the fuel of clarity is helping tremendously.

I have an endless capacity to forgive, but this year has taught me that forgiveness can be one-sided sometimes. 

I learned what love without receiving feels like, and I decided that I don't want to be in that kind of love. 

I learned that I'm a healer and this is hard for people who are choosing pain. 

I'm learning that truth is love, and that where there is none it's not a place I want to be. And I'm learning the cost of personal truth and boundaries, and how to find compassion in this.

This new season is requiring a higher me, one who knows her truth and stands in it. It's a season of choosing myself. It's a season of personal integrity so clear that it wipes the slate clean - of lovers, of family members, of parts of myself no longer serving this higher me.

As much as I want to feel like this is a shared path, I'm feeling like this new season is an inward, solo, devotional journey. So much of my shared path this year was devoted to managing my reactions and changing patterns and programs from triggering. I'm proud to say that I stopped on my path, and reached my hand out as best as I could to help, to be of service, to pause. 

I'm sitting in the mirror's reflection now, wading in its teachings. 

I feel whole, and I want to be met with holiness.