In My Body

“What does your throat feel like?” she asked me very simply.

She asks me many questions during our mind-bending sessions together, it’s the seemingly simple ones that cause me the greatest pause.

I sat paralyzed.

I felt like the seven-year-old me being asked a question that I could not source the answer to to save my life. I felt the confronting of it, I sat in the uneasiness of it. I felt the self judgement fill my system and I knew it was all over my face in that moment…

There were many nights when I was little that I shivered myself to sleep.

The purple line around my waist where the cold water separated the frozen part of me from the warm and living part is a vivid memory of one of my father’s favorite punishments.

I was practicing the Wim Hoff method decades before it became a thing.

“The energy from lifetimes is blocked here…” he said in his Chinese-English accent as he pointed to the middle area of his body.

This after one of the many recent painful sessions of his hands kneading this energy from my tummy and nearby organs, sourcing the Chi from his energetic sac to aid him in this task. The first session left me bruised for days, from the inside out.

The 72 hours I endured the pill-induced contractions while I nursed a broken heart in a new Air B&B lives in a nearly secret Paris chapter that not many have read.

It lives with many, many chapters of broken heart moments which have broken me over and over and over again – broken me right back into myself, each time.

Just five days after her initial question I found myself in the same sacred space with her, my newest wound with real stitches and lots and lots of Light flooding in…

And I cried a body-consuming cry.

One week later I met cancer on the phone in front of Square Georges Cain, and silent tears streamed down my face. Tears carrying mixed messages of deep sorrow and absolute relief.

My Spirit wants to float outside of this body, I am Her and I feel most at home when I am above; in devotion, choosing equanimity and surrender and letting go of everything heavy and dense here.

But, we are here to feel.

We are here to be in our bodies.

This floating has served me well; on these adventures I have conversations with God, I sit in the shadows and darkness with a Light-filled wish until everything is transmuted. In these adventures I am able to trust a bigger plan, overcome anything that feels like victim, heal to wholeness…and a myriad of things that feel bigger than this body or this life or lifetimes.

But without the body there is no deepening into any of this.

And isn't the body and all of the being in it what our Spirit has designed for us to experience?

So once again, in this newest chapter, my body is tugging at my Spirit and asking Her to come down from where She is…to come into sacred union, to sync up again so that we can continue to do our deeper work together.

And I am here, in my body…so solidly in my body…again.