Being Woke: The Victim Loop

Photo Credit: @filippaedghill

I chose the victim lesson when I came into this body for this lifetime.

(This first statement should give you all of the information you need to know, to tell you whether or not you should continue reading. And, I trust you’ll make that decision for yourself in all ways.)

I don’t have many early childhood memories, but most of the memories I have are memories of the abuse I endured from my father. He was continuing the cycle of his abuse and handing it down to his oldest daughter. For years I told people that I didn’t want to have children because I was afraid I would continue this cycle.

The victim lesson is a deep and persistent one; one that touches many parts of your life if not all.

One of my most vivid memories of this abuse’s effect on me as it was happening, is a silly instance when my father said to me “move your ass” which he commonly said for me to hurry up or move faster; I would literally wiggle my butt in defiance when he wasn’t looking. I also remember vividly telling myself multiple times when I’d be in my room without dinner after a beating that left physical wounds, that one day I would prove he wasn’t right about me.

Despite this internal fortitude and innate confidence and self love that I came into this life with (that didn’t feel like a victim narrative at all), the physical wounds turned into internal wounds which have taken me most of my life to heal.

The pattern for me is a victim loop. This loop requires a victim and an abuser. And, if you’ve ever been a victim you know this pattern is a deeply embedded one that takes hold and is often times difficult to reprogram. Why? Because it’s easy, it’s familiar, it’s safe, it’s predictable.

And so, despite my early years reactions to this “victim” status, there have been times in my life where I have chosen the victim narrative and allowed myself to be in the victim loop because it feels familiar.

Crazy, right?

I did this mostly, almost exclusively, in my relationships with men. I would allow myself to be small and then stay until it was unbearable; enduring more than anyone should. The catalyst that helped me break this pattern was a breakup nearly eight years ago that invited me to take a look at my behavior. When I realized I was playing the “victim” in the aftermath of the breakup, and that wasn’t the true narrative it woke me up.

Waking up isn’t easy.

When you wake up you are aware and there’s no going back. I’m in the business of helping women “wake up.” What I’ve learned in my own lived experience and work, and in witnessing this awakening in many of my students is that you often times find yourself in a messy place on the other side of a comfortable narrative. It requires a new story. It requires a new course of action. It requires courage and acceptance.

This path is not for everyone, sadly. Many choose the easier path of staying in a narrative that feels easy and predictable: and that’s okay. We each have our soul/spirit plan.

I’m inspired to write this today based on what I see happening in the United States. I’m inspired to write this today because I have a great understanding and compassion for this narrative.

I’m inspired to write this today because I am not a victim.