As Within, So Without
He is angry and avoidant. He has trouble trusting me and it is incredibly hard for him to receive (love) - he doesn’t feel deserving. He is set in his ways, demanding and critical. He self sabotages, feels burdened with the hustle and providing. He puts everyone above himself, and pays a heavy price for this. He feels like a fraud and he is really hard on himself.
Last August I added an entry into my journal entitled “Blind Spots,” and I even began to write a post about it here which became one of the many abandon drafts. At the time I was missing an important piece of information and feeling really far away from myself after a year of sharing this self with a partner whom I loved. I was swimming upstream in this partnership, feeling the growing pains of it stretching me and I was coming to terms with its teachings and the fate of another painful ending. I wanted to make sense of the new awareness, and apply this sense-making in practical ways to do what I do: to “heal” these parts, and to “do the work” to be more whole for next time.
“Honor the king in you,” and “sit on the throne of your heart” were the two very clear messages I heard on Christmas Eve this year standing in front of The Western Wall as tears streamed down my face. A month before, laying in my bed and craving connecting to something holy, the divine feminine, devotion…Jerusalem landed in my heart and I booked my trip on a whim.
In typical clichê fashion, and so is my life, I found everything I was asking for and looking for in Jerusalem…the script of my life is written with great craft and care and my part is perfectly cast. In the Tel Aviv airport I began my very first masculine essence embodiment practice, without being taught, just naturally…as I acknowledged how beautifully my King had gotten me to the airport in plenty of time so that I would be safe and relaxed…and how He was providing options for me to choose a healthy snack, and how He made the travel plans with great care…and so on and so on. It was this moment in my life where I began to think of myself in this new way which created an incredibly powerful shift for me.
For many, many months before this and living a life that seems like someone else’s as I reflect back now, I was focused fully on a journey to wholeness. This journey to me, which included six years of solo travel, celibacy and devoted practices of embodiment and work, was single-focused. I had not discovered David Deida, Hieros Gamos, Osho’s notions of “real love,” and the slew of other though-provoking rabbit holes that I have been falling into and wandering about in for the last four months. My journey was informed by the notion that wholeness can be attained once you love and accept yourself for who you are, the work for me was based on healing past wounds, doing some parts work, radical self love and devoting to many practices, rituals and ceremony.
“When the student is ready, the teacher appears.”
I’ve been a student of my life since it started, and very certainly as I feel it now, on a path of learning in the most painful ways who I really am - and accepting (and loving) every bit of me.
The “Blind Spots” list I made was my reflection of things being mirrored back to me in my last relationship. As I type this I feel a tinge of embarrassment to admit that I was honestly miffed at how I had manifested these (mortal) traits outside of myself when I could not at the time see them in myself, or any part of me. The first rational thought I surmised was that they must be suppressed, like anger for example. What was this anger sourced from various people in my life mirroring back to me that is within me? If you’ve ever asked yourself such a question, with the intention of unearthing darkness, then you know the internal dialogue can be full of trickery and deceit. I listened carefully, I asked a trusted healer, I committed to understanding and to being incredibly honest with myself.
One after another the teachers are appearing, the downloads are falling from the sky and into my heart, the synchronicities are adding up, culminating on a call I attended last week where the quote: “until we exalt our inner masculine, we can never fully birth the fullness of our feminine…” was shared with the group.
And it hit me solidly, with so much divinity, that my list of “Blind Spots” describes my inner masculine in nearly perfect detail as of today.
Two things have happened since this new awareness that I want to share here: first, I felt each one of these traits in my system. Read that again, it is one of the most profound things that has happened to me in my life. Instead of looking at a list I attributed to someone else, to a false mirror, to a partner or friend or sister outside of me, to someone inflicting their stuff onto me…I felt it as it is mine, it is me. And second, when I owned this and felt it as mine, I realized how powerful I am to make change - not to “heal,” but to make change. This instantly rewired my thinking, instantly. This new language and feeling pulsed through my system with clarity, and task, and purpose and a really, really positive - for the first time in a long time - feeling of complete sovereignty and power.
As I see it, this man in me needs lots and lots of love. He has never been acknowledged, let alone exalted. He is made of conditioned parts, wounded parts, armored parts…small parts wanting to be seen and big parts that deserve a break and some long-overdue celebration. He is an incredible man, he brings me to tears as I think of him now and how far we’ve come together.
I want to soften. I want to accept and love myself fully. I want to discern my mortal King with true alignment from within, and attune to the better King I can be. I want to receive, to feel deserving, to love fully, deeply and in real ways. I want to birth the fullness of my feminine, and exalt my inner masculine. I want this for me, and I want this for the world - for all of us.
As within, so without…
I birthed my newest offering this week. It is really vulnerable and really raw, but it comes with such a deep knowing that I’m trusting the feeling of certainty about it and sharing it bravely with the world. It is not a course, but rather an invitation to join me right where I am on my path, to hold hands and sit together to discuss how we feel about this, to discover who we are - all of the parts of us - and to create a plan for walking beyond these days with grace, and sovereignty and honesty and courage. To raise our inner King, to exalt Him so that we see the world differently and every man in it. I’m inviting women who feel this as a deep knowing and even bigger curiosity, to join me. This work is powerful, and this work takes great courage and care, and it will change us for the better.
Honoring Your Inner King starts March 1st…say Yes!