“What men need is ‘critical and urgent.’ Many of men’s needs are immediate.” (p.298) How does knowing this change things for you with how you see and take action with the men in your life?

There’s a rule with The Queen’s Code, not to teach anyone else what we have learned; what do we learn in this chapter about this rule and the importance of it? Are you feeling inspired to share this new wisdom with a certain sister? Or have you been sharing it with a man in your life? How is your sharing different than the experience in this chapter?

Give a detailed account of the “points” you have given to a man in your life recently. What was the response?

What is your response to the situation between Kimberlee and Melissa in this chapter? Do you know a “Melissa?” How is this new wisdom helping you to witness other women and other men (in general and in partnership) differently?

“Anytime you have a suspicion of infidelity, you are going to encounter the worst of adversarial behavior.” (p. 306)

“In most cases infidelity is both predictable and preventable…” (p. 306) Do you agree with this statement, why or why not? Have you been in this situation in relationship before? What does this bring up for you?

“The biggest need they (men) have from women is the need for positive, life-giving attention.” (p. 306)

“We need attention in the forms of respect, appreciation and admiration, listening and sharing, trust and companionship.” (p. 306) Do you spend time admiring men? How does this land for you? Is this list of detailed attention resonating with you? What else might you need?

Alison says that “positive, affirming attention” is one of the four food groups and something men must have, she claims that when they don’t have this in relationship it will almost always cause disloyalty. How do you feel about this statement?

“Is there anything you need from me that you haven’t given up on getting?” (p. 307) This is a powerful statement, important wisdom and a really good tool to use in partnership.

“Is there anything you need from me that you are about to give up on getting?” or “Is there anything you need from me that is really hard to get?” (p. 307-08)

“It only takes one person to turn a relationship around. Men, especially, respond immediately to the good kind of attention.” (p. 308)

How might this wisdom and new lens of seeing men through Alison’s eyes be isolating for us? Do you feel isolated in your community or with the women around you with regard to how they see and treat men (women outside of our circle)? How does this make you feel? Is there any action to take with this?

“And I think I need to be your hero…” (p. 312)

Contemplate the definition Burt gives for needing help on page 320, what is your relationship to needing help and how does the wisdom in this chapter resonate or not with your experience?

“It is an honor to be chosen to help someone we admire.” (p. 322)

“A person who is determined to be self-sufficient has to keep his or her life and their goals small enough to manage single-handedly. To make sure they never need help.” (p. 322) If this resonates, think about how small your life/goals have to be, how could things change if you opened up to the idea of needing (and asking) for help?