“If you are going to allow men to be generous…what do you have to become proficient in?” (p.144)

Is it easier to let women provide for you? (How is the receiving different, if it is? What feels sticky, good, or curious here?)

“Receiving will be their biggest hurdle. It will force them to face many of their beliefs about self-sufficiency, independence, worth and power.” Does this resonate? What is here for you to explore?

“Learning to allow someone to contribute to you is one of the biggest challenges you will face.” (p.145)

Meditate on your ability to receive: what does it look and feel like for you? Are you happy with where you are with this? Is it terrifying, poetic, vulnerable, delicious, freeing, constricting, a trigger…?

“When I gave up emasculating men, I thought that as I became more neutral, instead of combative, they would hopefully do the same. Not in a million lifetimes could I have predicted that their attitudes and behaviors would change so dramatically. They haven’t become neutral. They’ve become proactively supportive.” (p. 145)

At the heart of a man is a provider. Define “provider” as it relates to you and your life.

“To a man nothing is worth doing.” (p. 146)

“The makeup of the masculine brain causes it to focus on one result. It commits itself to the accomplishment of that result, and screens out everything that is irrelevant to that result. This is virtually the opposite of the feminine brain.” (p. 147)

Estrogen creates a different configuration in the brain, this configuration causes “Diffuse Awareness.” This is the opposite of testosterone which is single focused.

“If a woman has to live in a mess, you will find her engrossed in a book or a movie in order to find some peace.” Does this resonate with you?

Women are not only aware of the things in their environment but also the mental, physical and emotional state of all of the people around them: how is this different from “being in your mind,” or “thinking too much” based on what Claudia is teaching regarding the difference between the male and female brain? Does this apply to you?

For a man, something is only worth doing if it’s part of his result; unless a particular task is required to accomplish the result, it is not worthy of his attention.” (p. 149)

“You have to recognize the role you play in his result.” (p. 150) Reflect on this statement applying it to your partner or a close man in your life, what role do you play in his result? Do his actions align with your thoughts?

How do you allow men to “earn points?”

Men are providers, they do not care about getting something done for the sake of it being done. (p. 150)

“Since providing is at the heart of a man, the word “provide” resonates with who they are at their core. Everything they focus on is in order to provide something for someone. And when they do, to some extent, they become a hero.” (p. 150)

When a man is doing “nothing,” it means he hasn’t committed himself to a result (not having an impact or providing). (p. 151)

“We naturally prioritize. After a result that is time-sensitive, a man will prioritize by impact. He wants to make the biggest difference he can at the time. In fact, if you want to bring out the worst in a man, don’t let him have an impact. Don’t let him provide anything for you.” (p. 155)

“What if there is a world of difference between depending on men to provide and allowing men to provide? Between the ability to do something yourself, and constantly needing to prove that ability?” (p. 160)

Providing for women gives men their purpose. Do you agree with this statement based on your lived experience?

Men do not provide for women because they think so little of women, they provide because they think so much of them. (p. 160)

One long-term effect of emasculation is: men compete with women instead of cherishing them. Contemplate this in your life; does it resonate? What can you own, forgive, learn…?

“By competing with men, proving which of us can be the better provider, we interrupt their desire to provide for us. Worse yet, we dishonor their honoring of us. Because we do not honor ourselves.” (p. 161)

The Queen’s Code is about partnering.

Start paying attention to the specific benefits of anything you are asking from a man.

Action Steps: Notice what men are already giving you, or taking care of, and figure out what it provides. Stop before you ask for something an think about what it would provide and tell the man as part of your request. After the man has done what you asked him, tell him what it actually provided. Do this with all men. (p. 163)

Every man has a list of things he can provide, things he cannot provide but wishes he could, and things he has no interest in providing. Learn these things for your man. Do not ask for what he cannot provide.

“Near as I can tell, most women these days won’t let a man provide for them.” (p. 168)

For men they care about their providing giving us something we need, making us happy or making our lives significantly better.